Four Months of Darkness
by Kktigerlillie
Summary: We all know Bella was devasted when Edward left. To what extent was her pain, what did her nightmares consist of. How did she cope with work and school. Follow Bella through her Four Months of Darkness
1. Chapter 1

**I sat in my room alone, around me the scattered pieces of my once coveted CD collection. I wouldn't be able to stand music now in every song there would be meaning. Meaning that reminded me of him, I refused to let myself think his name. The only CD I truly loved was missing it had disappeared from my life just as my heart had. Life, Love, Meaning ...... over.I looked out the open window I refused to close it. It was apart of the time we had together, our private expressions and perceptions had started with HIM climbing through this very window. Closing it would mean that I had accepted what happened and I was still holding out hope that this hell was not real. I was in some version of a twisted reality. The unusually sunny day was starting to dim, the setting sun causing prisms to dance and merrily play along my floor. The sparkles I once enjoyed and reveled at now made bile rise and stick in my throat. I couldn't stand the damn sparkles. I grabbed the afghan off my bed, launching it in the air to cover my window, but collapsed to the floor as the familiar sweet smell of HIM hit me.**

**"It will be as if I never existed.""Yeah right, you took your pictures, your music, my future but you left your damn intoxicating scent everywhere. Why didn't you take it too." I screamed at the empty chair where HE once sat to watch over me as I slept. The stupid tears came flooding my vision, invading the empty spot that contained my soul. It was amazing how they wouldn't stop. They poured out of my eyes steadily, without any promise of stopping anytime soon. PLEASE God make the pain go away, help me I can't live through this it hurts too much. God wasn't listening.**

**I hugged the afghan to my face breathing in every inch of it while my body rocked itself with the magnitude of my sobs. I faintly heard the front door open and Charlie speak to someone. Everything seemed to be happening in another time and it felt like I was watching a movie. I still had not accepted that this suffering was my own.**

**"Doc I don't know what to do?" I heard the strain in Charlie's voice.**

**I tuned out after that. He better not bring Dr. Gerandy up here the only doctor I wanted to see was the young blonde doctor. Carlisle. I faintly heard the footsteps on the stairs and my bedroom door open.**

**"Bells sweetheart Dr. Gerandy is here to see you." Charlie was standing in my doorway with one hand on the doorknob ready to bolt.**

**"NO! I don't want to see him. LEAVE ME ALONE. Go away Charlie just get out."**

**Charlie's face fell and he winced when he heard me scream but he just shut the door and left me alone. My heart now ached for another reason. Charlie. None of this was his fault yet I was taking my pain out on him.**

**I continued to sit under my window my ears straining to hear something ... anything. There was only panting and a little whine, someone must have let their dog out and forgot to bring him back in. My room started to become frigid and I wrapped myself up in the blanket that smelled like him. Smelled like love and meaning still. It gave me some morbid sense of closeness. His scent mixed with the cold air on my face made me feel like I was snuggled in his arms again. Safe and loved.**

**I desperately wanted to apologize to Charlie but couldn't will myself to move. Fear washed over me, if I moved would I lose his scent and this feeling of him that surrounded me. I couldn't risk it. So I just sat there. There was a light knock on my door and it opened slightly.**

**"Bella I know you are hurting and you miss Edward...."**

**"Stop Charlie don't say his name. I don't want to EVER hear his name." I was screaming again. I lowered my voice to an almost inaudible level "It hurts too much dad.**

**"Charlie lowered himself onto the floor where he was eye level with me."I don't know what to do or say Bells, I'm no good at this but I am trying to be here for you." Charlie reached a shaky hand out toward me and patted my knee. "The doctor left you something to help you sleep. I put a glass a water on the table for you beside your bed."Charlie got off the floor and I couldn't be positive but I think there were tears in his eyes.**

**"Damn you" I was speaking to the chair again. "Damn you for putting me through this hell and damn you for making me drag Charlie through it too. I HATE YOU." as soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them, they were a lie. I didn't hate him. I loved him .... so much maybe too much. He just didn't love me enough back.**

**I thought about the time with James even though the memory was painful. That was my biggest what if moment. If I could only have provoked James to bite me sooner then HE would not have gotten there in time to suck the venom out, and I would not be the human that caused him pain. HE wouldn't have to pretend to be anything. I dismissed the thought as fast as it came. James would have killed me. I found myself tracing my scar. Yep, take your gifts but there wasn't anything you could do about this reminder. At least if the scar didn't exist maybe I could convince myself that everything had been a dream and vampires weren't real, the wind blew through my window and caused my silent wooden companion to rock. I got up and moved the chair, after staring at it I put it back where it was.**

**I walked over to the table and grabbed the bottle Charlie had left for me. I rolled it in my hands and listened to the rattle that it made. It was a soothing sound oddly enough. I walked quietly into the bathroom, so not to alert Charlie to my leaving the room. I didn't see myself in the mirror I saw HIM.**

**"Your not good for me Bella." his velvet voice flooded my ears and tears streamed down my face.**

** "I know, I've always known." I poured the pills into my hand.**

**The velvet voice whispered in my ear again. "You promised Isabella nothing reckless or stupid."**

**"You promised too didn't you. You said I was your life but what about my life. You were my life shouldn't that mean something. Shouldn't I have a say." I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. " You lied to me first so I guess this makes us even. You left me, I didn't leave you. This is YOUR fault." I swallowed down the pills, my vision abruptly changed. It was no longer Edward but Charlie.**

** The velvet voice pleaded with me "Think of Charlie. He needs you, take care of yourself for him."**

**I instinctively jabbed my finger down my throat and threw up the pills. I clutched the sides of the sink while it filled up with water. I ducked my head under the cool surface trying to drown the sound of his voice, wash away the perfection of his face. The only thing I accomplished with my little stunt was to make myself sleepy. Some of the pills must of stayed down.**

**I didn't want to sleep. I could still see his emotionless face, hear his cold voice from the woods. When I was awake I could conjure up any expression that I wanted and it was always his crooked smile.**

** I silently walked back into my room and crawled into my lonely cold bed. As if by clockwork as soon as my head hit the pillows the tears returned. I'm not sure if it was the pills or the weakened state I was in but the enemy of sleep invaded .... the nightmares began. **


	2. Chapter 2

**It was a beautiful sunny day ..... a rare thing in Forks. I was in the meadow with Edward laughing and staring at his perfect sparkling body. Clouds rolled in covering the sun, the colors in the meadow leached away to match the ominous sky above.**

** Edward who had been standing not two feet from me smiling was now halfway across our meadow with an expressionless face. I reached out to him but in vain for he took two lightning quick steps back, never changing his expression, never giving me his crooked smile.**

**I tried to call to him but I couldn't find my voice. My hands flew to my throat clawing at it trying to coax any sound to come out. I reached out my hands to him motioning him to come to me, he just stared.**

** My feet wouldn't move they were bolted to the meadow floor by some unseen shackles, my voice was useless.**

** Why didn't Alice see this, why was she letting him do this. "Help Alice Please."I saw something rustle in the bushes, Alice came to stand beside Edward. She did not dance toward me and she did not smile.**

** They turned their backs to me and vanished."DON'T " I found my voice to late "WAIT FOR ME. DON'T LEAVE ..... EDWARD ALICE PLEASE .... PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME."**

**I woke up gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. I ran to the window and let the cool mist wash over my face. I still couldn't catch a full breath. Charlie's loud footsteps alerted me to the fact that my screaming woke him up as well.**

**"Bella, Bells what's wrong are you okay." Charlie was shaking me.I jerked out of Charlies hands, hanging my head while walking to sit in the biggest reminder of him . I didn't even look at Charlie while he stared at me and eventually he left me to myself. I willed the tears away for the moment.**

**"It will be as if I never existed."Yet here I sat in the chair that I told him that I loved him in, staring out a window he would climb through to be with me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around me. I could no longer contain the tears and they fell down in sync with the beginning rain outside. In the distance a dog howled echoing my pain.**

** The sky began to lighten as I still sat in the chair in the same position, the tears had dried up long ago.I heard Charlie get up and tell me through the door that he needed to go in to work for a bit and would be back soon.**

**I didn't answer, scenario after scenario played itself out in my had. What ifs and how comes. The more obvious ones making their way to the surface.**

** What if I didn't tell him I wanted to be a vampire would he have been so scared for my soul. If I hadn't inherited my clumsiness from whoever would he not have tired of protecting me and stayed.**

**I clutched my chest and my cheeks were wet again. If I had just graciously accepted the fact that Alice- I chocked on a sob thinking of my best friend , my almost sister- wanted to throw me a party and if I didn't act so annoyed would I have opened my present more carefully and avoided the, end of the world as I knew it, papercut. That tiny drop of blood, that in any other circumstance would have been insignificant. That stupid drop of red caused my world to come crashing down around me in a deafening roar.**

**"My fault, my fault. No my parents fault, if they haven't given me the perfect mixture of blood HE would still be here."I rocked myself back and forth, back and forth. My fault, my parents fault, Jasper's fault. Not Jasper's he didn't meant it. He would never hurt me in good conscious. **

**I was back to my fault again.I seen Charlie's truck arrive back home from my window. I still had not moved. He had left me alone, I am glad that he did. I had no desire for him to see me like this. Being reduced to no more than a hollow shell, no need for him to endure my pain.**

** I heard footsteps outside my door and a knock. It sounded as if it was only a ghost of a sound. Poor Charlie what I must be doing to him. He already went through it once when mom left, now here I am making him relive his pain through my own.**

** "Bella you have a phone call.**

**""And"**

**"Do you want to get it. It's Jessica."**

**"No"**

**"Okay" I heard him walk back down the stairs.**

**"It will be as if I never existed"Did he actually believe that. There were too many reminders he couldn't take. He left his chair he sat in, my bed, if he wanted to leave me he should have just let James drain me. I noticed the darkening sky, it was Twilight now another day over. The saddest time for a vampire. I wonder if he was looking at the same sky I was. **

**His memory came flooding back to me, this time it was prom another instance that I had overreacted and then pushed his limits on my mortality. Stupid stupid stupid. My fault.**

**I layed my head back for a brief moment and found myself alone in the woods. I heard the faint sound of music off somewhere in the distance. I instantly recognized it, my lullaby. **

**I ran in the direction I thought it was coming from slipping falling scraping my hands knees and any other part that wasn't covered. I didn't care it was my lullaby and I knew the composer. The sweet sound engulfed me. This song that was written just for me out of love. I tried desperately to get my bearings and to follow the trail of musical bread crumbs.**

** I hit something that felt like concrete. When I got up I seen that it was Alice."Alice, Oh Alice" I threw my arms around her unmoving little body.**

**"Alice what's wrong. Where is Edward."**

**She removed my arms from around her neck "He's gone"**

**"my lullaby Alice I hear it I know he is there somewhere playing it."**

**"It's a farewell gift, one last time."She turned from me and started to walk away.**

**"Don't go Alice stay with me."Her back still turned to me, she started shaking. **

**"I have to Bella. I'm tired of pretending to be human when I am not."**

**The scene began to change, I was in the woods behind my house. Alice's spiky black hair started to turn bronze slowly at first then very quickly when she turned around to face me it was no longer Alice but Edward. He had an unfriendly face and crimson eyes. I screamed and fell to the ground.**

** Just like the night before I woke up gasping for air. I sensed Charlie standing on the outside of my door this time, listening I could finally hear over my pounding heart I caught the last of his mumbled words **

**"If I could find him I'd kill him"**


End file.
